Dear Diary

Oct...My birth month~ Just realise that it have been a while... I never log into here... Since I stop talking with em? Actually... If you ask me why now... I got no answer for you... But when I go into Phuah's blog... I saw that their life there... Seem so happy... Hahaha... Really... I feel happy for em...

Many things have changed... My life... My Friends list... As I said not long ago in my friendster profile... I am a sensitive person... Friends for me is easy to get but hard to keep... Everytime when I feel or I think that they are going to hurt me... I will leave them... Without reason... or When I feel that I am not that important for them too... Just like today... Disappointed again... Just realise I treat them with my true heart and try my best to help them... I wont get the same treated from them... Seem like I did the stupid things again....I should never ever pay my true heart... Why always just fall into it? Friendship?

Today I cried... I sad... I totally broken heart... There is no one that can really understand and talk to me... Except a new friend who called "Cold"... At least he lemme finish my words... Although he is not that close or that good friend with me... Still... His status is always "Online" for me... At least lemme know that I still got "someone" to talk with... There is a friend... I thought we were good friend... But everytime I talk to her... I will just get this "Ohhhh"... hahaha... Seem like I am not important enough for her... Even when I am in this sad moment... She just rushing offline but not staying for me... Never mind... I know what to do now...

I swear.. Not anymore... My heart my smiling face... I will keep em tightly... No one worth to get em... No one... Except the one I left... Elwin.. My everything... The reason I live for... My Only family... I willing to give all up now... Mom Dad Bros... I willing to give em up... Today I totally see through everything... Clear enough.. Till I feel like... "Is this really my family? Hahahahaha... Why me? This is my life?"

Someone's wedding dinner today... No space for me so I stay at home... Wait till they come back... No one ask that if I eat already... Never mind I wait... Ask mom if she can tapao... Mom busy with friends... Never mind... Dad? Busy working... Come back just a while.. Then rushing out... Never mind.. Wait Elwin... 2am... My brunch I took at 1pm... Feel that I need to eat... Called Jia Yoke... She said she will come and take me... So happy... I wait... Then She called me again... Said cannot make it... She gotta go out with her family... Oh... :( ... Try to wait then... Called Dad again... He said "You think I no need work? I got so much works here... I eat already" Oh... Suddenly feel that... Why just one meal... No one willing to eat with me? Tears cannot control.. I hide in my room... Cry... Looking at my msn list... Found that "Cold" is in online status... Pmed him... and said my things... I guess he dunno that I am crying... I didnt said I cry... finish my words... Feel like no help... Search for another one... Pmed Kar Meng... She is watching drama.. I said nvm... She said is ok... So I told her... Suprise to hear that she havent eat also... Feel much better... Then I saw Kei online.... Pmed her.. Told her... I totally broken heart... She said why... Then i forgot what we chat... but just a while... She rushing to offline... "Oh" Hahahaha... Got it now... She stopped my tears... Instead of making me wanna close my heart from her... No more true heart... I decided to close it tightly... No more smiling face... She dont worth it... Isnt it?

Mood feel better when chatting abit with Cold... Chatting about my pass.. then dad came back... Bathing then he ask that if I wanna go tapao... I feel happy that he still care about me... But so fast... He made me drops into a big deep hole.... Hahaha... While going to tapao... We chat a bit... I asked that if I can eat there instead of tapao... He seem to answer it with a very bad mood... "I got lots of works havent finish.." "Isnt it saturday today?" "So?You think I no need work?" "I thought today u still playing mahjong in afternoon?" "Mahjong is my free time! I got my own free time! Non of ur bussiness! You got car license why dont you drive?" "We can U turn go home actually if you are that busy.. I can dont eat" "Until now only u say this... I already drive this far" "If you are really that busy u can tell me not to go tapao" "Whateva you like to say"
end conversation...

This family.. I really got no hope on it anymore... Marry? Not as simple as you think... Cold told me... " I finally know why u dont trust others " yea... Just because I grow in this family... I learn it... from them... Some words that I always got from him... "If one day I leave this home...You all will be eating shit" "I dont care whateva you all will be in future... I just want to keep my money till I old"